The Covert Narcissist…
Malignant in disguise
The narcissist personality disorder is making its headlines more and more these days being badly judged and often seen as pure evil. Sure there are reasons to believe people with narcissist personality disorder aren’t people with kind and empathetic characters. Though before we judge people who suffer from this disorder [and yes they do suffer], let’s see the honest truth behind their masks and fragile ego.
There is a debate among psychologists if people with a personality disorder are born that way, and are who they are, due to gene transfer of a narcissistic parent. Others say the disorder is a result of a multitude of traumatic experiences during the first 7 years of a child’s life. My personal opinion is based on the latter actually, where the child experiences so much trauma, that it adjust its character traits as a survival mechanism.
So what exactly happens?
The covert narcissist [most common type] will absolutely love meeting new people, especially in the case of new romantic relationships. They will draw you in like no other and make you feel love and attention like never before. Falling in love goes quick, trust is almost demanded, and within no time at all you will feel this new guy or girl you’re dating is a gift from heaven. It seems they know you through and through, feeling like you’ve known each other for years. And then, just when you think life can’t get any better… it doesn’t!
Anywhere within the first 3 weeks up to 3 months (also called as the honeymoon period) everything will be absolute heaven between the two of you and then all of a sudden it stops. Your new lover starts showing weird traits, putting you down in the smallest of ways, changing your beliefs and bringing you doubts. All you want is that sweet angel of a person back again, so you will adjust your behavior to fit their needs. But of course the more you adjust, the more the narcissist does too.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder will find your insecurities and bring them out into the open making you feel small and shameful for it. They will gaslight you, which means changing your perception to meet theirs, even if it doesn’t make sense at all, leaving you feeling guilty for whatever the narcissist says you did wrong.
Now as long as you play along, you will have moments where love will seem to come back. The narcissist will be sweet again, as long as you do those things and say those things they love to hear and see. Unfortunately those instances get shorter and further apart. After a few months to a year in a relationship with a narcissist, you will be in so much doubt about yourself and the world around you, that you end up nothing but a shadow of whom you used to be.
People who dealt with a narcissistic partner, parent or friend know all too well how this plays out. But we actually never really find out why this, once beautiful lovingly person they once were, changed the way they did. Did we do something wrong to trigger this behavior? Or is the narcissist actually very malignant and malevolent?
What does hide behind the horrid mask?
Believe it or not, the person you met is actually hurt down to his or her core throughout their childhood (and maybe teenage) years. Now don’t get me wrong, once a narcissist always a narcissist! Nothing you can do will make them whole again although we really wish we could. You can actually view a narcissist as a mature person, but with the personality, emotions and understanding of a child.
Children have no way in expressing themselves like mature people do. They can be super sweet, but also have horrible tantrums. A child being hurt doesn’t know how to cope with that, nor do they know how to express this pain. Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, extreme shock and trauma they have lived through which hasn’t be processed, will add to the malignant characters they create while growing up.
Getting into their mind a bit deeper
A person with narcissistic disorder will first try to befriend you in the best of ways, or in case of love, they will have the most romantic advances you ever seen. This all is a game plan, their script if you will. You will trust this person with your whole being telling them everything they need and want to know. You will get hooked, never wanting to be without this person again. And that’s exactly what a narcissist is after.
A narcissist needs you, to need him (or her). They want to be your savior, your rock to cling on to. It will give the narcissist a kind of feeling they desperately need to feel, which is the feeling to be worthy. They went through so much pain and hardship in their young lives, that they never found themselves worthy of any love or attention. But they crave feeling worthy as much as a hungry person is craving food to survive.
Then the narcissist introduces passive aggressiveness, gaslighting, lies and cheats, making you doubt, belittling you, and making you feel hopeless. The narcissist does this to make you feel lost, because when you feel lost, the narcissist can take you by the hand and guide you once more. This way you will need them, look up to them, and ask them for help and advice. Because surely, you will have lost you own judgement, and you fear making mistakes.
Even though you do everything right, the narcissist will turn it around making you believe you did something wrong. You will end up walking on eggshells, afraid to tick them off, hoping the narcissist won’t throw a tantrum. The moment you start to doubt your sanity, and feeling unworthy of anything, the narcissist will pick you back up, give you the love you crave so much, and making you hope all will be like it once was before.
Many people who lived through this with a narcissist know this is a vicious circle they’re in. Because after the so called ‘honeymoon period’ where you’re loved and praised in every which way, it will keep getting worse and worse. The narcissist won’t stop till you have no sense of self-esteem left. Of course this sounds (and surely is) dreadful, but the narcissist doesn’t know any other way to get that feeling of self-worth they need [to feel] to be whole.
People judge the narcissist for their actions and behaviors, which is a logical response. But honestly the narcissist is often not fully aware of their wrongdoings. It has become a survival instinct from when they were a child, when they had to deal with so much hurt, that they created this false ego and vicious character.
What happens next?
At one point, relationships they have, will come to an end. Either because they are tired of you… their so called prey, or because you will finally snap and break up with them. At that point though, they might have the slightest feeling they did something wrong. The narcissist might try to convince you to stay, they will better their lives for you, which only drags things out longer as they are incapable of that sort of change.
In the case they do not chase you, and actually ghost you, they also know they did something wrong. But like a child thinks, so do they. And the narcissist hates to be called on their mistakes, because they know from their own childhood, that mistakes can have severe punishments.
Whichever way this will turn out, it’s going to leave you with a traumatic experience and a long road to recovery. This while the narcissist will just go their way, finding a new toy to play with, and start the whole process over again.
I often get asked by clients if it is possible to find the person back again they once fell in love with. The victim hopes to help the narcissist, so that the relationship doesn’t have to end in disaster.
Honestly, if you are in a loving, friendly or family relationship with a narcissist, get out before it consumes you. People being confronted with narcissistic abuse often need more time to heal, than the actual length of the relationship they had with that person.
Whatever you choose, be safe, ask people for help and support to make sure you keep your sanity. If you want to tell your story or get advice, feel free to connect with me.
Contact me here: www.Schultink.eu
